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I suppose I gave up instead. Cause thatapos;s not losing, itapos;s just not trying anymore.

He asks me, "Are you happy?"

And in that moment, yes, I am. But I am not content. It is fleeting, selective, particular to moments when nothing else matters besides laughs, kisses, smiles, or embraces, however passionate they may be.

And that is not what is lacking. Far from it. My attraction to him, for him, never falters. Constant waves. But I am not fulfilled, something is missing, something is always, always, missing. And it always hits me at the worst times. When he smiles, or places his hand on the small of my back. When he whispers something in my ear or kisses me goodnight. That inconvenient, terrible, miserable thought.

Lately more than ever I am asking myself what am I to do if he wonapos;t, not canapos;t, but wonapos;t give me the only thing I have ever asked him for. And Iapos;m still pondering the answer. I donapos;t know how long I can continue to try and compensate for what I lack. But the hole is getting bigger and Iapos;m getting too tired and too fed-up to try and cover it up.

He doesnapos;t support my decision he says. Needless to say it hurt, more than I thought it would. Considering my own support with whatever he decides to do, whether I agree with it or not, it was a little like a slap in the face. Here is where the terrible feeling sets in. To remind myself that I can never expect anything from him, because he is not expected to do anything, and I suppose he knows that. No, I know he knows that. And thatapos;s not a bad thing, it is simply and unfortunately the truth.

I say Iapos;m afraid to do it alone. But the truth is Iapos;m afraid to go through it without him. It looks like Iapos;m gonna have to. Everyone else says itapos;s about time.

Where do I go from here? I havenapos;t decided, Iapos;m too young to think about it.
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Three years ago my lung collapsed. I was rushed to the emergency room where they drilled a hole into my chest and stuck a tube into my lung to re-inflate it. I had the tube in me for a few weeks until my lung was able to hold itself. A few months later i had major surgery where they put holes into my chest and my side, and scarred the outside of my lung and stuck it directly to my chest wall so that it couldnapos;t collapse again.

for you to tell me that itapos;s not a big deal to smoke cigarettes really upsets me. So itapos;s just a thing you do now.

well breathing easily was a thing i did once. I wish that i had even average lung capacity now.

theyapos;re not just your lungs. FUCK.
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Once more, Peace Corps merited a mention in a presidential debate Last night (October 15), during the third debate with Republican nominee Sen. John McCain,Democratic nominee Barack Obama mentioned Peace Corps in the context of answering a question about education.� Here's the excerpt:

SCHIEFFER: Let's stop there, because I want to get in a question on education and I'm afraid this is going to have to be our last question, gentlemen.

The question is this: the U.S. Spends more per capita than any other country on education. Yet, by every international measurement, in math and science competence, from kindergarten through the 12th grade, we trail most of the countries of the world.

The implications of this are clearly obvious. Some even say it poses a threat to our national security.

Do you feel that way and what do you intend to do about it?

The question to Senator Obama first.

OBAMA: ... I think it's important for us to make college affordable. Right now, I meet young people all across the country who either have decided not to go to college or if they're going to college, they are taking on $20,000, $30,000, $50,000, $60,000 worth of debt, and it's very difficult for them to go into some fields, like basic research in science, for example, thinking to themselves that they're going to have a mortgage before they even buy a house.

And that's why I've proposed a $4,000 tuition credit, every student, every year, in exchange for some form of community service, whether it's military service, whether it's Peace Corps, whether it's working in a community.

If we do those things, then I believe that we can create a better school system.

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By most accounts, the term "supply side economics" was coined by Jude Wanniski, a former journalist, conservative political commentator and consultant who passed away in 2005 after a long career in public service.� The term supply-side was used to describe the idea that a reduction in personal tax rates would stimulate productive investment, the production side of the economy, and spur economic growth.� This was designed as a revival in classical economic thought from the more prevalent "demand-side" Keynesian and monetarist theories that dominated political discourse and practices for the last half century.� At the heart of supply side theory is the notion that relative prices govern people's behavior.� In other words, people allocate their time between work and leisure, and their income between consumption and saving, and marginal tax rates play a dominant role in their decison.� The cost of a dollar of current consumption is the future income stream forfeited by not saving and investing that dollar - the higher the marginal tax rate (the rate on the next dollar of income earned), the lower is the value of the income stream.� The cost of allocating additional time to leisure is the foregone current or future income stream.� The higher the marginal tax rate, the cheaper the price of leisure.� Thus, tax rates affect the supplies of labor and entrepreneurship, the rate of investment, the growth rate and the size of the tax base.� �� �

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So last night during our Unknown Armies game, I felt an honest-to-goodness kick. Maybe a punch. It was sudden and sharp and I totally squealed a little when Squish did it.

Iapos;ve been feeling the flutters for a couple of weeks now, but this was kind of shocking for me. I mean, not only is there this amazing little thing inside me, itapos;s GROWING. Iapos;ve been fat for so long that I have a hard time connecting my expanding belly to Squish instead of me just getting fat again, and being able to follow how much stronger our baby is getting each week... WOW.

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I know there are state parks and Iapos;ll look into the website more but wanted recommendations as well. Checked memories and couldnapos;t find anything. If I missed it, let me know.

Iapos;m looking for hiking trails. I havenapos;t done it in years but just got back from up north where we spent quite a bit of time doing just that and miss it. Iapos;m in east valley so though Iapos;d love to go to red rock often, just canapos;t do that.

Tell me your favorite trails?�Iapos;d like to start moderate and in due time work on the more difficult trails.�

The weather is perfect for it too

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Yesterday


Went out with Shifu A.K.A. Jaslyn Chua Met up at Kembangan MRT then went to Marina Square to buy tickets for the movie , Connection which is superbly nice Kindda got my heart on hold for a few moments . Went to eat lunch at dont-know-what Appetite . Quite nice .. I just ordered the wrong food . I dislike tomatoes with spaghetti

Went shopping , walking around , Shifu bought 2 Tees , 1 scarf . And me ?�Sadly .. Only 1 top . I cannot find things that I really want lehs�. =x .

Then went to eat dinner at Pastamania . EEEEEW� Ate beef lasagne . I dislike things with tomato sauce I really think Pizza Hutapos;s lasagne is nicer Then wanted to eat another main course shifu stopped me T.T . Hehehe�

Next MRT-ed home .. Another word . EEEW� So many people , and people kept pushing staring I tell you , people even went into the MRT without letting people exit first But being polite 2E1`08-ers , Shifu I did lurhs . XD�



P.S. I donapos;t wanna go back school tomorrow �

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