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I suppose I gave up instead. Cause thatapos;s not losing, itapos;s just not trying anymore.

He asks me, "Are you happy?"

And in that moment, yes, I am. But I am not content. It is fleeting, selective, particular to moments when nothing else matters besides laughs, kisses, smiles, or embraces, however passionate they may be.

And that is not what is lacking. Far from it. My attraction to him, for him, never falters. Constant waves. But I am not fulfilled, something is missing, something is always, always, missing. And it always hits me at the worst times. When he smiles, or places his hand on the small of my back. When he whispers something in my ear or kisses me goodnight. That inconvenient, terrible, miserable thought.

Lately more than ever I am asking myself what am I to do if he wonapos;t, not canapos;t, but wonapos;t give me the only thing I have ever asked him for. And Iapos;m still pondering the answer. I donapos;t know how long I can continue to try and compensate for what I lack. But the hole is getting bigger and Iapos;m getting too tired and too fed-up to try and cover it up.

He doesnapos;t support my decision he says. Needless to say it hurt, more than I thought it would. Considering my own support with whatever he decides to do, whether I agree with it or not, it was a little like a slap in the face. Here is where the terrible feeling sets in. To remind myself that I can never expect anything from him, because he is not expected to do anything, and I suppose he knows that. No, I know he knows that. And thatapos;s not a bad thing, it is simply and unfortunately the truth.

I say Iapos;m afraid to do it alone. But the truth is Iapos;m afraid to go through it without him. It looks like Iapos;m gonna have to. Everyone else says itapos;s about time.

Where do I go from here? I havenapos;t decided, Iapos;m too young to think about it.
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